In case you’ve forgotten already, the last weekend of April 2011 marked the Royal Wedding between one Prince William (the Royal) and one Kate Middleton (the commoner). 29th of April 2011 – let that be forever etched in your mind.
Prior the 29th of April 2011, it was almost impossible to NOT be inundated with an over subscription of everything Royal Wedding related. You had to be a hermit to not know that this event was going to happen that weekend. Christ! We even had a holiday declared to make sure we are forever grateful to David Cameron and thus securing our votes for him at the next election (if only it was that easy – I need at least another 2 dozen days off for that to happen). The streets of London were littered with Royal Wedding paraphernalia galore – key chains, mugs, clocks, spoons, cups, tea pots, tea bags, tea towels, tote bags, notebooks, pencils, postage stamps, t-shirts, polo shirts, masks, mug-shots (ok I made that up), cheapo replica engagement rings – basically any and every thing you can pretty much print Prince William and Kate’s faces on, even condoms! Heck, even America jumped on the bandwagon and released a William and Kate – The Movie, a Straight to DVD-Made for TV drama to educate us commoners on how to bag our self a Royal or really – how Kate did it.
credit: colonialfootsoldier (Children look away now OR that’s really a box of chocolate)
And if the streets shops and supermarkets have not haunted us enough with anything and everything Royal Wedding [Side note: Am I the only person who hear the Royal Wedding pronounced in their head in the same eloquence as Austin Power’s “one million dollars!” remark?] – there were also the endless permutation of television shows about the Royal Wedding or injected with the “flavor” of the Royal Wedding. I had the television off most of the week until prior to the wedding, and right now I am too lazy to do an internet search of examples of these shows but Stu Heritage ensured me there were many – maybe too many!
Anyways, the point here was to rant about what I learned from getting up at an ungodly hour on a day off (i.e. before 9am – I miss the earlier guests arrival but I am told that anyone worth caring about would arrive after 10am) and watching this carnival of a Royal Wedding.
So here are my top ten in no particular order, or maybe in some sort of order at the time of writing (who knows!):
10. The Royals will refer to me a “commoner”. In fact about 99% of us are commoners. My mom lied when she told me I am special because clearly I am a just a mere ol’ Commoner (the BBC commentators made this very clear).
9.OK, I missed the earlier guests arrivals – but Prince William and Kate don’t seem to have many celebrity friends – I only spotted the Beckham’s and Elton’s, and oh, I am pretty sure one of them was Ian Thorpe (wtf – maybe William or Kate really, like really really liked swimming). The rest were I think dignitaries and important people of power from former colonies and the rest of the world which I did not recognize because I don’t read or watch the news enough. I am disappointed – I thought surely more than of one Spice Girls would be there. Or at least Katie Price or Peter Andre or Katy Perry and Russell Brand (I mean Katy even had her nails Royal Wedding themed)
credit : Grazia Daily
8. Royals arrive in Roll Royces, and leave in a mix of horse carriage or Roll Royce depending on your “Royal” status. The exception is if you are a commoner belonging to the wedding party (e.g. Kate and Pippa), you can leave with the Royals in a horse carriages. Commoners (mostly I am guessing – I couldn’t tell but some could easily be highly distinguished guests) arrive in ugly mini coaches with horrid advertising splattered across the side – I am struggling to remember the advert – wait it’s “Wings”. Surely they could have temporary erased these eye sore of the least creative piece of advertisement I’ve seen in awhile and replace it with some large sticker of the hmm a) “Royal Wedding” or b) the “British Union Jack”, or wait for it c) “Prince William and Kate”? I heard this was part of a cost cutting measure to hire smaller mini coaches rather than those super-tanker coaches because well the Bankers screwed us over in 2008 and we are still paying for it.
7. Royals can have traditional wedding ceremonies in reverse order. Commoners can’t. This make all the exciting bits like the declaration of undying love and what-not all happen at the start before the bride and groom and guests falls asleep, and the real painfully tiring bits like reading and preaching of why one should marry and love the other forever bla, bla, bla occur only later. [Side note to priest – you already married them, so the preachy bit won’t scare them anymore – they are married!!]
6. Royal men getting married don’t have to wear rings. I guess this is premise on that they (the Royal men) are too well known around the world, so that even if they were to claim that they are not married (Look no wedding ring!) say whilst in the act of um, cheating; we commoners should know who they are because they are Royalty and their photos have been plastered like everywhere. Other good piece of news is Kate’s parents don’t have to fork out on a wedding ring for Prince William. (Or is that being paid by the tax payers of Britain – I haven’t done my research)
5. The Queen does not sing “God Save the Queen” but her husband does. I guess this is because it’s a song about herself. I know if I was Queen, I wouldn’t sing it too.
4. Prince William is a lot more balder than I had originally thought. When his hat came off – he had a bald patch at the back of his head. I thought he only had a receding hairline. Note to self, next time scrutinize Prince William’s photos more carefully.
3. Former commoner Kate Middleton’s family has “hot looking” genes – hot mother who could pass as an older sister , hot sister, hot brother, and pretty hot father (if Gordon Brown was good looking and skinnier this is probably how he would look like)
2. Prince William’s family gene – um, not so hot, except for his belated mom Diana, and Prince William of course before the receding hair line gene kicked in.
1. America had to steal the Royal Wedding’s thunder by announcing they had finally after spending a ka-billions dollars on war and spy intelligence – that the brave American troops have finally caught and killed Osama bin Laden (that’s the good for nothing terrorist guy [good riddens!] who had pretty much eluded America and maintained being hidden for almost 10 years – i.e. World Hide and Seek champ for the last 9 and a bit years).
Oh and here’s another three that did not make it in (or I forgot about them until I finished the top ten):
-1.The bouquet- I mean wtf -am I the only one who thought that was just a lame ol bouquet of flowers for the Royal Wedding or do I just have no bouquet sense? What were the flowers so that I will remember never to use them? Or is this another cost cutting ploy because we are still paying for the Bankers greed?
-2. Princess Beatrice clearly has an EVIL STYLIST. Surely she should know that the only person who can carry off a hat as atrocious as that is Lady Gaga.
-3. The Star Wars theme could so easily be mashed up with the final wedding march of the now married Prince William and Kate. Sounds like a job for the Glee sound engineers.
And for the true royal fanatics – here’s the kiss to savor.
Thanks Prince William and Kate for throwing a pretty cool wedding except for the bouquet. Thanks to the Queen for letting Prince William marry Kate. Thanks David Cameron for the holiday. Thanks twitter for keeping me entertained as I watch. And thanks to the weather for not raining down on us as we sat outside later and mulled over pimps and a BBQ on what just happen. Oh, and thanks to anyone of you who kindly bothered to read this.
I did minimal research while writing this piece, so I apologize for any factual misrepresentations – you can comment and reprimand me later.